Leaving your Church in hopes of finding Greener Pastures?

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Why do you want to leave your church family? There are many things that can cause a person to consider leaving a church... some good and some not so good. Let’s consider a few of these and see if any justify leaving a church.

You may be in a situation where the Lord may be tugging at you to “step over into Macedonia” to help grow another congregation. Bringing your ministry and encouragement to another church family is the best reason to leave your church. Maybe you’re experiencing "spiritual malnutrition” at your present church. Your current fellowship is actually inhibiting your spiritual well-being and growth. This also can be a justifiable reason for leaving. However, many people leave a church simply because they are disinterested, dissatisfied, frustrated or simply feel they can find some place better. In your mind these may feel like justified and valid reasons for leaving, but are they?

It has been said... “you have to suffer as much from the church as you do for it.” If you find yourself right now... caught in the crossfire of church conflict, are you considering giving up on church entirely? There is a growing disillusionment among Christians with the concept of going to church. Bad experiences and interpersonal conflicts have left a bitter taste about organized assemblies... church. These believers will often give up entirely on the practice of being part of a local church. The church is essential in the mission of God. Please read through previous articles on this BLOG and you will better understand the importance of church in our commitment to Christ. We can’t live “in Christ” without being an active participant in a body of believers.

Church is where we learn how to live life the way God wants us to, among and with each other. We learn patience, mercy, forgiveness, tolerance. Church gives us the place to develop these attributes, doing it alongside each other. Outside of Christ, our mistakes are just mistakes. But in the church, we have hope that our mistakes will be transformed into beneficial experiences... resulting in spiritual growth.

Christians can be annoying, irritating, overbearing, self-centered and misguided. You will always find some kind of discontent and sin in a family of believers. Still, we are commanded to have fellowship within the Body of Christ. It’s not an option... it’s a command from the founder of the Church... Jesus Christ.

If you are contemplating leaving your church, then you no doubt have entertained the notion that you don’t need church at all. All you need is God. How peaceful it would be to close off from everyone who causes you pain, read your Bible, pray and just commune with God. Let me escape from all that “churchified” business. Have you entertained those thoughts? Going solo isn’t an option. Involvement with our “brothers and sisters in Christ” with the help of the Holy Spirit, is the only way we can be truly “in harmony with Christ”. It’s not easy, but it is His plan for us... to be together, in fellowship, struggling together, working out our salvation... together.

It helps to remember, it is our humanity and living in a fallen–dying world that causes many of the problems we experience in fellowship. In a church family, like the diversity of humanity, there are many different ways for people to express their love for Jesus. My way is different than yours. Your way is different from mine. Not better or worse, just different. God accepts everybody in His family of believers. We can do no less.

It’s easy to forget that people in the church are at different levels of maturity, both naturally and spiritually. Our life experiences also affect how we interact with others. Growth is a process, which takes time and patience. Turn the other cheek... extend grace to those who today are rough around the edges.

There will be strife in a church, accept that as a reality of this fallen world. Could there be a silver lining in what for many today is a very frustrating experience? The answer is Yes. All the things that bother us about church and one another, can be overcome by shifting our focus to Jesus, the Cross, His promises, and our eternal future. When the going gets rough, keep your eyes on Jesus. As long as you do that, you won’t have time to criticize others, or get caught up in the drama.

What does the Bible teach us about being together? It's so important to really understand the Lord's teachings about the body of Christ and what the Bible says about the asembly of believers and being connected to one another.

The Bible tells us to meet together as believers and to encourage one another.
Hebrews 10:25 (NIV) Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. The Bible instructs us to be in relationship with other believers, even though others may not think that’s important. If we are part of Christ's body, we will recognize our need to fit into the body of believers. The church is the place where we come together to encourage one another as members of Christ's body. Together we fulfill an important purpose on the Earth, where Christians are under constant scrutiny by the world.

As members of the body of Christ, we belong to each other.
Romans 12:5... so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
It is actually for our own good that God want us in fellowship with other believers. We need each other to “grow up” in the faith, to learn to serve, to love one another, and to practice forgiveness. Though we are individuals, with uniques personalities and needs... we still belong to one another. God expects us to care for and share with one another.

Leaving is Risky business
When you decide to give up on attending church, or move to another church because of problems what's at risk? Well, to put it in a nutshell: the unity of the body, your own spiritual growth, protection and blessing are all at risk when you' disconnect from the body of Christ.

Christ's body is made of many parts, yet it is still one unified entity.
1 Corinthians 12:12; 14-23 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. Unity in the body of Christ does not mean total conformity and uniformity. Although maintaining unity in the body is very important, it is also vital to value the unique qualities that make each of us an individual "part" of the body. Sometimes it’s the “individuality” of people that irritates us. We must learn to appreciate the diversity and individuality of all believers. This makes for a healthy church body, when we remember that Christ is our common denominator. He makes us one.

Spiritual Growth
We develop the character of Christ through bearing with one another in the body of Christ.
Ephesians 4:2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. How else will we grow spiritually unless we interact with other believers? Interaction... “bearing with one another” means dealing with the problems and rough spots common among imperfect people. Critical to our spiritual growth and eternal salvation are the qualities of humility, gentleness and patience, and developing the character of Christ. Having this mind and these qualities facilitiates our relationships within the body of Christ. Get past yourself, your expectations, your personal agenda and live your life “completely humble and gentle”. Jesus never said nor did he promise that our brotherhood would will be easy, or fellowhip a perfect experience. It’s work, hard work. For some of us, more work than we are willing to invest.

In the body of Christ we exercise our spiritual gifts to serve and minister to one another. 1 Peter 4:10 Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

We encourage one another. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

We help each other through troubled times and the rough periods we all experience in life. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

We will discover a satisfying sense of fulfillment when we consistently carry out our purpose in the body of Christ. We are the ones who miss out on all the blessings of God and the gifts of our "family members," if we choose not to be a part of Christ's body.

Protection & Blessing
Our leaders in the body of Christ provide spiritual protection, guidance and security. 1 Peter 5:1-4 To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder ... Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.

Hebrews 13:17 Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.

God has placed us into the body of Christ for our own protection and blessing. Just like every earthly family, it's not always fun. We don't always have warm and fuzzy feelings in the body. There will be difficult times as we grow together as a spiritual family, but there are also blessings that we will never experience unless we become relational and connected in the body of Christ.

What can you do?
Before making a decision about changing your church, it’s essential to pray about your situation and seek the Lord’s leading (Prov. 3:6). This takes time and patience. Warning... don’t be deceived by your own ability to “answer your own prayers” according to your own desires.

Ask yourself these questions to evaluate your current church environment: Is your church scripturally and doctrinally sound? Is your church reasonably stable and loving? Does your church haves godly, moral leadership, who care for the flock? Is your church doing its best to exalt Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord? If your church making a reasonable effort to minister to you and your family? If you can answer “yes” to these questions... then hang in there and be faithful in your present fellowship.

If you’re still unhappy with such a church, it’s very likely that the problem isn’t the church. It's your problem. Churches are imperfect... full of imperfect people. Don’t let other people's mistakes and short comings keep you from a genuine relationship with God and all the blessings he has planned for you as you fulfill your role within His body.

Spend more time looking in your mirror for your flaws and not the flaws of others. Do this and you will begin to see the church more clearly and your brothers and sisters “in Christ” with the love and understanding that only comes from Christ.

The Challenge of Sincere, Honest Submission to God

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Sincere honest-hearted submission to God?  This is a hard thing for any Christian that believes they’re on track with God, to accept that they might not be so “on track”.  Remember, God does not “beat the world” out of us... although sometimes I think that would be a welcomed solution and relieve us of trying to do it ourselves. Submission and total unqualified commitment to God... is our choice.  A choice we must make without interference from God.    

Submission can be deceptive.  Even thought our heart tells us we deeply desire to submit to God in every way, and be obedient to every aspect of His expectations for our living a submitted and committed Christian life... our fallen nature persuades us to posture in the same deceptive and defiant way we did before we came to know Christ.  We deceive ourselves in the hopes that somehow God is going to grant us an “exception” because we’re sinful creates.  

We want everything the kingdom of God has to offer. We want to have a secure sense of God's presence in our lives, we want all our prayers to be answered, we want to "feel close" to Jesus, we want to flourish in the riches of God's glory—we want it all. 

But we are unwilling to give up everything for it. Many times through the travails of our lives we are stumbled and confronted by the things we treasure.  Our ingrained habits, pleasures of the world, carnal attitudes, or just believing we’re 'more right' than others.  All these things delude us into believing that we can travel the narrow road with our own road map.  We seem unwilling to offer navigational control to Christ.  Sometimes, what He asks of us seems too hard to do and sustain in our lives.  But until we can fully submit ourselves to God's will, our participation in God's kingdom and His rich blessings will be limited.  

Like sin, which is an inside-out process born within us... so is our sustaining submission to God.  Submission is inside-out... born in a transforming heart that is manifested in practical everyday Christian living experiences exhibited in positive and loving interactions among brothers and sisters.  Submission, like sin, is our choice... totally and completely.

Let me illustrate our unconscious resistance to submission with a practical perspective that impacts Christian brotherhood every single day... extending and accepting forgiveness.  You know, forgiving another Christian who has deeply hurt you, thereby hopefully restoring your relationship.   Learning to "forgive and be forgiven" is one of the attributes of total submission to God.

Maybe you’ll see yourself in this scenario... maybe you’ve been in a similar situation or find yourself struggling in one right now.  

Someone or maybe several people in your congregation said something or did something to you that really hurt you. You were attacked unfairly.  It might even have caused you to leave that fellowship because the hurt and pain were just to great to deal with.  You felt embarrassed, demoralized, shamed.  Untrue things were said about you!  No matter how hard you tried to find a hearing and understanding ear, no one seemed to care about your feelings.  No one did much if anything to help resolve the problem.   You felt trapped, cornered by the accusations of people you trusted as brothers and sisters in Christ.  In your mind you were the victim of a vicious attack and for no justifiable reason that you could think of.  Maybe it was misunderstandings. Or maybe it was “your style” being attacked. You’re too reserved, or to assertive, or to aggressive, or to outspoken, or maybe you're just the quintessential "difficult person"... you’re not sure.  But you don’t think what happened to you is your fault.  In your mind, fault rests on the shoulder of your attackers.  What do you do?  Nothing seems to work, especially the Biblical admonishment to “go to your brother”...(Matthew 18:15).   You’ve tried that... it’s not working.  That failure alone stuns and disheartens you.  It breaks your spirit.  So... you fold your tent, pack your bags and leave the church.  Spiritual life really changes for you and your family.

Time passes.  You’re hopeful that someone might figure out, now that you and your family are noticeably absent from the church family, what happened and come to you with a big “sincere sorry”, I was wrong... we were wrong... please forgive me... please forgive us.  More time passes... nothing happens.  No one comes knocking on your door.  Your mind begins to form all kinds of rationalizations to explain the lack of action on the part of those “brothers” who by this point in time your mind is pretty well convinced brutalized you and your family!  And by people of Christ no less!

Time becomes months... then years.  Still no one comes.  Was I really as bad as they said I was?  I must have been, since they seem very happy that I am gone!  It is as if I am dead to them.  And they call themselves Christians!  

Then one day.... someone close to you says... “you should go to them and seek their forgiveness.  At least try and clear the air”.  Immediately you become defensive.  Why me?  Why should I seek forgiveness for things I didn’t do?  Why not them?  Let them come to me... they're in the wrong... they need to take the initiative and fix this mess, not me!  

Do you have any idea how hard that is to do?  Any clue?  If you’ve experienced a similar situation in your Christian life then you know very well how difficult it is to accept responsibility for the “wrongs did to you” by others.  After all, whatever you do or say in seeking restoration of relationships... they’ll still have the edge won’t they?    They might even be willing to accept your overture, but then tell you “the past is in the past” and I don’t want to discuss anything about the past.  How convenient for them!  You‘ve suffered for months and maybe years.  Your family has suffered untold emotional and spiritual damage... but oh no, let’s not discuss anything you did to me because you might feel guilty about what you did to me.  We surely wouldn’t want that!   

I think you get the idea.  The human mind can be and often is very deceptive –– able to convince you of all sorts of awful things about yourself and your brothers in Christ.  A scenario just like the aforementioned is being lived out by many Christian brothers and sisters right now, throughout God’s Church.  Sadly, many of these situations will never be resolved.   

Forgiveness is one of the superlatives of submission to God.  Without mastering the art of forgiveness, we can never hope to find true peace among brothers and we most certainly will stunt our spiritual growth and maturity in Christ.  

BUT, forgiveness is hard to do because the very concept is foreign to the fallen soul.  Our fallen world says we should square the decks, even the playing field, pursue the win-win for everyone.  That feeling is deeply ingrained in us and controlled by our sinful nature.  The natural tendency of our spirit is to say... I DON’T WANT TO COME OUT ON THE SHORT END OF FORGIVENESS!!!  NO WAY!!!   I WANT THE OTHER GUY TO ADMIT HE WAS WRONG... THAT SEEMS FAIR... DOESN’T IT?  He caused my pain and suffering... it only seems fair and just... isn’t it?    Maybe to us... but NOT to God.

Maybe you were unfairly attacked.  Maybe you are completely guiltless in any of the circumstances that caused the break of fellowship with your “former” congregation.  You have suffered greatly at the hand of your Christian brothers and sisters you trusted.  

Maybe no one who hurt you sees or understands what they have done to you.   And even if they have a slight inkling of your pain, they probably still think you’re in the wrong.  Maybe they’re really glad you left the church!  As you've tried to deal with the pain, maybe everything you’ve hypothesized, surmised and speculated about, everything they did to you, is dead on accurate.  

So what if you are the victim? You really can’t use that bit of logic to defend your position with God of  “no action”, can you?  Don’t you just hate it when simple “logic and reasoning”  gets in the way of nurturing your treasured wounds?  You’ve been hoping, anticipating, waiting for someone to approach you, but nothing has happened. You’ve been daydreaming that those who hurt you are thinking about you and worried about you. They must be looking for every opportunity to “reach out” to you. That is clearly not so. Christians expect that if apologies are justifiably due, then the offender will go above and beyond to seek you out and make things right. You are hopeful that apologies extended and accepted, especially among Christians. will make everything wonderful again.  That is an unrealistic expectation, even for Christians.  

Here’s a simple resolution to this “forgiveness dilemma” that oppresses you.  First... you can’t hide from it... it’s part of living among and serving with Gods people.  Jesus said we are to forgive our brothers endlessly and continually.  Second...  If you want the full measure of God working in your life, then you have to be the person to reach out and try and repair the bridge to restoration.  Third... lower your expectations to "zero" and clear the air with your brother.  

It might not be anything more than finding an opportunity to cross paths in a casual non-confrontational setting. Kindness, civility and a gentle "how are you these days"... "I've missed you brother"... is good enough to start the journey of forgiveness. Small beginnings can lead to a God-powered restoration of the soul and spirit among brothers.

Don't worry about what the other person might or might not do or say.  You are holding the KEY... unlock the door.   Let God reenter the hearts of everyone involved in causing your pain and suffering and see what happens.  Who can be hurt by that?  Certainly not you!

Leaving can Hurt so Much... and so Many!

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Consider the following scenario and see if you might be having similar feelings...

You are a mature, experienced, seasoned believer. You consider yourself deeply rooted “in Christ”. You have been in fellowship with a congregation for many many years. You’ve lived through the ups and downs that all congregations of God’s Church experience. But now... you want to leave the church.

Mature and faithful Christians are leaving their long standing relationships with congregations... and are not sure why they feel the way they do. Let me be clear –– I am referring to people who are leaving a congregation––not God. Lot’s of reasons are offered... irrelevancy, hidden suffering, ineffective leadership, impersonal or bland worship services, a lack of biblical literacy, and much more. This comes as no big surprise... it’s been happening for quite awhile.

Recent studies confirm that churches across America are hemorrhaging. They are losing members at a staggering rate. Sadly, while losing people, some congregations don’t even notice or seem to care. These studies also point to a massive decline in the basic Biblical knowledge and understanding of Christian faith and practice among professing believers.

Some critics suggest that now is the time for the sheep to become their own shepherds. This notion makes the church virtually irrelevant. I am not too concerned about that notion finding much if any authority. God established “the body of Christ”, His Church... it will not fail.

Can the Church suffer... yes it can. Can people become disillusioned by the failures of leadership... yes they can. Can people feel the desire to escape to something “better” or “different”.... yes, and they evidently are. But to what, to where, to whom?

What’s at stake? Quite possibly... your spiritual well-being. Your relationship with Christ. Your adherence to right doctrine and truth. Your obedience to God’s commands. These are very serious considerations when considering leaving a congregation of the body of Christ.

Let me clarify what I hope you already understand.... God does not destroy or muck up a church, people do that. Nothing could make our adversary Satan happier, than to see mature Christians frustrated and disillusioned with their church. He loves divisions and divisiveness. He knows that if you leave, you will likely begin a journey of bouncing from church to church looking for something that really doesn’t exist... the perfect church. During that time of searching you become less and less focused on Christ and more and more focused on finding something to satisfy a desire you’ve created in your mind of how the church must be... to be right. Right for who... you?

There are at times very valid reasons for leaving a church. There are times when certain conditions and circumstances within a local congregation are so spiritually debilitating and destructive, that leaving is the only way you can save yourself from spiritual devastation. But that is not the normal environment found in today’s Bible-based doctrinally sound church.

This may sound cliché, but how do you suppose Jesus would view your desire to leave a congregation of His Church? The Church is His, created at Pentecost by Him. So, for us not to embrace the Body, would be tantamount to not embracing Christ. For us to demean, marginalize, minimize and overly criticize the Church would be akin to doing the same of Christ. Rejecting the church, even if it’s just a local congregation you’re not feeling real connected to, is like saying... “Jesus, I don’t need what you’ve provided for my transformation, edification and growth... I don’t need to be here... I can take care of myself... I can find a group more suitable to me... one that does things I like to do”... and on and on the self-justifications pour forth.

Admittedly, our “ways and means of church” today are a far cry from what God formed in the first century. But that does not mean He rejects the Church of today. We’re the Church... He doesn’t reject us.

In spite of all the things we think we don’t like about the way today’s churches operate, God is still able and capable of working with His organization in spite of what we think it is not doing. It's His formula for assembly and fellowship to help us work out our salvation with Him, among one another.

In the simplest of expressions.... if you love God... then you love His Body –– the Church. God and His Church are inseparable. If you are really a worshipper of God, a mature Christian, you will worship Him like David did and expressed passionately throughout his writings in the Psalms. You will accept the ups and downs of your congregation, because they’ll always be there. You will be patient... waiting on God to work things out. You will hang in there and pray for change or a different perspective. You most likely will discover yourself growing through the frustrations you’re experiencing. If “focus on God” is your desire, your sincere passion, then zeal for God's Church and all that comes with it, will consume you. There is no way to separate God from the workings of His Church.

His Church... often embattled and dysfunctional, is still where God chooses to meet us. Maybe it’s time to thank Him for what you do have in brotherhood and fellowship and stop complaining about what you think you don’t have and don’t like.

Next posting... if you must leave your congregation, then you need to carefully analyze your motives for what may ultimately be a fruitless quest. We’ll examine these important considerations that may or may not justify your decision to leave your church family, in the next entries.

Don’t wait for People to Change... take the Lead

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Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since most of us can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent worrying about difficult people and negativity is energy that could be better spent on our personal spiritual growth. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying... we should not ignore our responsibility to develop relationships with people we find it hard to get along with. God expects us to be “our brothers keeper”.

God expects us to develop deep and abiding relationships not only with Him but also with one another, no matter how difficult a person may be. There is a great deal of instruction in the New Testament on those things to avoid and those things to cultivate in our interpersonal relationships. The secret to successful relationships with one another is in following the advice of our Lord. We can’t allow ourselves to be trapped in conflict with our difficult brothers. If we do, we will lose site of the Kingdom and mission Christ has given us... to seek and save the lost and to nurture and disciple one another. We have to continue growing. We need to find ways to pull the difficult people in our midst along with us until they figure out what God can do in their lives.

We have tremendous responsibility for one another as these passages of Scripture say.... 'Men, you are brethren, why do you injure (hurt, wrong, act unjustly toward) one another?'" (Acts 7:26). "For we also once were foolish ourselves .... spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another" (Titus 3:3). "If you go on biting and tearing one another to pieces, take care! You will end up in mutual destruction!" (Galatians 5:15 NAB).

It’s Not About You, It’s About Them––I’ve learned the hard way that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. Understand, it’s probably not personal, so why take it personally? Easier said than done, right?

Our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often bored and unhappy with their service and commitment as Christians. They’re unhappy, even though they can’t articulate their reasons, with their church. So we seem to find a perverse pleasure in conflict, even though it causes stress for all involved. Negative difficult people need our help and our prayer. Don’t isolate them, draw them in to a circle filled with things of Christ–– the power of the cross; redemption; reconciliation; forgiveness; unconditional love and all the promises of a life that can be transformed by the Holy Spirit... if they will yield to Him. If you feel the need to threaten a difficult person, threaten them with your steadfast brotherly love. These things go along way to curing the ailings of a negative life.

Negativity Spreads–– I’ve learned the hard way that once I allow negativity to get a foothold in one area of my life, it starts spreading like a bad rash into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state of mind or holding a grudge against someone, even if that person is a difficult fellow, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily. God is not negative. He is positive energy. His Word is positive fuel for the mind, for the heart, for total body and soul. Feed on Him and His Word when negative things and negative people seem to close in around you.

Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state of mind. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral you can’t easily control or win. We can bring ruin to a congregation by allowing such negativity, difficult people and anger to infiltrate and influence how we respond to the Spirit’s leading.

We can choose peace or we can choose conflict. Pray for negative people. Love that difficult person even when they are unlovable, or when they do unlovable things. (I Corinthians 13). USE God’s Word to help the person see how much their negative behavior is damaging their Kingdom potential.

Set reachable goals for them to learn to work better with others and monitor their behavior until it improves. This will take time. Frequently remind them of how dangerous such behavior is for the entire body, the church, and how this attitude can infiltrate the church in a negative ways.

Difficult People can Overcome Negativity. Maybe you are a difficult person working in the church. So far you’ve been reading this material wondering when I might say something positive about you. Here it is.

Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms begin to rise. Realize that you are probably not really the person being attacked, it’s your autocratic style. Jesus tells us that the world hates the light (John 3:18-20). Even in God’s Church, there will be those who are slow to accept their potential of being transformed by Christ. Admit to yourself that you just might be one of those persons.

When you catch yourself feeling defensive, take a deep breath, and don’t react so quickly. Follow the old adage... listening requires two ears, talking only one mouth. Or, just walk away from potential conflicts.

Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion. Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you think you heard. Remove the pressure of thinking you need to have all the answers... being on the spot... by simply saying “I need more time to think about all of your suggestions”.

Consider the possibility that other people have really good ideas that are just as valid as yours. Consider the possibility that someone on the committee you’re chairing has 10 times the experience and background on a particular project being discussed. Someone always has more knowledge and experience than you do. Always.

Take courses or workshops in listening skills and team-building. Find someone who can help you work on the negative aspect in yourself — a good friend, a coworker, teacher or counselor. Why not consider one of the elders in your church or the preaching minister? I can almost guarantee, you’ll be amazed at how much they can help you grow through the “difficult person” syndrome that plagues you.

Here’s one that has helped me. If you interact with someone regularly and you feel comfortable with that person, ask them to let you know when you are acting like a jerk!

This person will gladly be your accountability partner and call your attention to what you’re doing. That will help you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurities that rain havoc on your interpersonal relationships. After awhile, you’ll be so tired of having your friend point out the times you are a jerk... that you’ll work very hard to change.

Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness often take years of work to undo. Don't give up on yourself. Above all else, DON’T QUIT THE KINGDOM of GOD! Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses. GOD MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE!

The efforts made to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded.

Don’t give up on what God is Transforming!

People are not Born Difficult... they learn it!

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There are two personality traits that are very common in the workplace, ministry, and the church. These characteristics make it almost impossible to get along with and work with persons who exhibit these traits. You know them. Every congregation of God’s people have a few and some congregations have many such characters.

First, there’s the person that “knows it all”. This person has all the answers to everything you could ever want to know and let’s you know that you should not question his or her ideas.

You see, the church is made of people who work in the secular world, were educated in secular institutions and were taught to climb the ladder of success. This “know it all” trait is an essential characteristic for surviving in a competitive business environment. Many professions groom this trait. You will often see it in computer programmers, software developers, engineers, doctors and attorneys.

You may ask what you think is a simple question of such people and get a response that is something like... "how DARE you question me or my judgment!" Sound familiar? Or, you make a suggestion and get a ton of excuses why it shouldn’t be done that way, why it won’t work, and why the person is an expert in their field, blah, blah, blah . . . In a word this type of person is... Arrogant. Eventually, you give up trying to work with them.

Arrogance is a personal defense mechanism against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticize a child for not being good enough. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy or incompetent, that they immediately throw up a defensive shield manifested as the “know it all” attitude.

In the Church, such a “know it all” person loses credibility and respect... the thing they fear most. Because of their arrogance and defensiveness, people go out of their way to avoid dealings and fellowship with them.

The second personality type... is the person who insists on having his or her own way regardless of ideas and input from others. This personality characteristic would be the “Do it my way or else” person. This attitude is a negative aspect of Dominance.

This is another well recognized character trait that seems prevalent in people in management positions in the business world. No matter what anyone says or does, this person will force his or her ideas on everyone else. There is seldom any open discussion or group involvement. In a meeting, if someone offers a suggestion, this person will strongly make it clear that suggestions are not needed or wanted. If you try to make a point, this person will crush any attempts to deal rationally with the situation. Things MUST be done this person’s way or else. What is the “or else”? Usually, if forced to compromise their position, this type of person will simply withdraw from the group. A “my way or the highway” response.

The positive side of Dominance is Leadership. When this person is relaxed and working from the positive side of their personality, they can be quite effective and very charming. As with Arrogance, their personal stress and insecurities will trigger the “Do it my way or else” behavior. It may emerge without warning or as you work to know and understand this person, you may be able to see their stress building.

Eventually, everyone gives up trying to work with such a person. In the end, they will lose their ability to control events, or the outcome — the thing they fear most. Many people operating from this negative position often have been terminated or fired publicly from secular jobs, causing them great humiliation and complete loss of control over events.

Arrogant and Domineering people in the Church
What do we usually see with regard to the “Know it all” and Do it my way or else” folks who try and work within the congregation? Outcomes at least initially, are rarely as we would hope. People will avoid them, refusing to deal or serve with them. People will not tell them the truth or provide them with vital information that might help them make better decisions. People learn to ignore or discount their opinions and decisions. People will avoid or stop altogether implementing their ideas and often will subvert their authority, either consciously or unconsciously. Often such domineering people become the object of conspiracies and gossip.

Learn to DEAL with them positively
In our very makeup as humans, God has given us the ability to overcome all interpersonal communication and relationship challenges. We can learn to deal with the “Know it all” and Do it my way, or else” personalities by applying a few simple principles.

When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is useless to argue with them. They have only one agenda, THEIRS! Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that point in time. Don’t continue pushing them because they will only grow more aggressive. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue an important discussion. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to act as a buffer. Even difficult people will respond positively to certain personality types. Find out who those folks are in your congregation and use them as “lubricators and buffers” in small groups and committees.

Don't allow yourself to be verbally abused. Remember that when Jesus was confronted with the accusers, he often answered the questions with a question. He never traded insults. A soft answer turns away anger. Always remember, “anger” is just one letter short [D] of Danger. People highly stressed can go off the wall, causing untold damage even when they claim to be Christians serving among God’s people.

Having confidence in God can spur us towards finding ways to build the bridges of understanding with difficult people. Much of this process will be self-discovery and self-awareness of why we react to people the way we do. Try and see a difficult person from a positive perspective.

What gifts or good qualities does the person have? How has God used this person in your life, in the life of others? If you take time to look past the irritation the person causes you and others, you may see that you yourself are changing. Your attitude towards others is a critical part of learning to work among difficult personalities. You want to become more patient, more understanding and more tolerant of your brothers. These are good things that the Holy Spirit can bring about in you, while learning to live with and deal with a difficult person.

Accept others and grow in the experience. God allows the pain of difficult relationships to exist within His Church. Confrontations and conflicts do not have to be viewed as destructive or causing divisiveness among believers.

Never doubt that God can and will influence our interpersonal relationships and situations. He may not be pulling strings like a master puppeteer, since we are free to make our own decisions and choices, but in that freedom, He is working out His plan in the midst of our frustration with others. The very fact that we can acknowledge that such conflicts can have a beneficial outcome, is proof that God is in control.

Finally, we have to let Him work through us to allow change not only in us but in others as well. Learning to love one another... bear with one another is all part of our transformation process. God will use the most difficult of relationships and difficult people to shape us. (Ephesians 2:14-18)