People are not Born Difficult... they learn it!

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There are two personality traits that are very common in the workplace, ministry, and the church. These characteristics make it almost impossible to get along with and work with persons who exhibit these traits. You know them. Every congregation of God’s people have a few and some congregations have many such characters.

First, there’s the person that “knows it all”. This person has all the answers to everything you could ever want to know and let’s you know that you should not question his or her ideas.

You see, the church is made of people who work in the secular world, were educated in secular institutions and were taught to climb the ladder of success. This “know it all” trait is an essential characteristic for surviving in a competitive business environment. Many professions groom this trait. You will often see it in computer programmers, software developers, engineers, doctors and attorneys.

You may ask what you think is a simple question of such people and get a response that is something like... "how DARE you question me or my judgment!" Sound familiar? Or, you make a suggestion and get a ton of excuses why it shouldn’t be done that way, why it won’t work, and why the person is an expert in their field, blah, blah, blah . . . In a word this type of person is... Arrogant. Eventually, you give up trying to work with them.

Arrogance is a personal defense mechanism against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticize a child for not being good enough. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy or incompetent, that they immediately throw up a defensive shield manifested as the “know it all” attitude.

In the Church, such a “know it all” person loses credibility and respect... the thing they fear most. Because of their arrogance and defensiveness, people go out of their way to avoid dealings and fellowship with them.

The second personality type... is the person who insists on having his or her own way regardless of ideas and input from others. This personality characteristic would be the “Do it my way or else” person. This attitude is a negative aspect of Dominance.

This is another well recognized character trait that seems prevalent in people in management positions in the business world. No matter what anyone says or does, this person will force his or her ideas on everyone else. There is seldom any open discussion or group involvement. In a meeting, if someone offers a suggestion, this person will strongly make it clear that suggestions are not needed or wanted. If you try to make a point, this person will crush any attempts to deal rationally with the situation. Things MUST be done this person’s way or else. What is the “or else”? Usually, if forced to compromise their position, this type of person will simply withdraw from the group. A “my way or the highway” response.

The positive side of Dominance is Leadership. When this person is relaxed and working from the positive side of their personality, they can be quite effective and very charming. As with Arrogance, their personal stress and insecurities will trigger the “Do it my way or else” behavior. It may emerge without warning or as you work to know and understand this person, you may be able to see their stress building.

Eventually, everyone gives up trying to work with such a person. In the end, they will lose their ability to control events, or the outcome — the thing they fear most. Many people operating from this negative position often have been terminated or fired publicly from secular jobs, causing them great humiliation and complete loss of control over events.

Arrogant and Domineering people in the Church
What do we usually see with regard to the “Know it all” and Do it my way or else” folks who try and work within the congregation? Outcomes at least initially, are rarely as we would hope. People will avoid them, refusing to deal or serve with them. People will not tell them the truth or provide them with vital information that might help them make better decisions. People learn to ignore or discount their opinions and decisions. People will avoid or stop altogether implementing their ideas and often will subvert their authority, either consciously or unconsciously. Often such domineering people become the object of conspiracies and gossip.

Learn to DEAL with them positively
In our very makeup as humans, God has given us the ability to overcome all interpersonal communication and relationship challenges. We can learn to deal with the “Know it all” and Do it my way, or else” personalities by applying a few simple principles.

When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is useless to argue with them. They have only one agenda, THEIRS! Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that point in time. Don’t continue pushing them because they will only grow more aggressive. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue an important discussion. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to act as a buffer. Even difficult people will respond positively to certain personality types. Find out who those folks are in your congregation and use them as “lubricators and buffers” in small groups and committees.

Don't allow yourself to be verbally abused. Remember that when Jesus was confronted with the accusers, he often answered the questions with a question. He never traded insults. A soft answer turns away anger. Always remember, “anger” is just one letter short [D] of Danger. People highly stressed can go off the wall, causing untold damage even when they claim to be Christians serving among God’s people.

Having confidence in God can spur us towards finding ways to build the bridges of understanding with difficult people. Much of this process will be self-discovery and self-awareness of why we react to people the way we do. Try and see a difficult person from a positive perspective.

What gifts or good qualities does the person have? How has God used this person in your life, in the life of others? If you take time to look past the irritation the person causes you and others, you may see that you yourself are changing. Your attitude towards others is a critical part of learning to work among difficult personalities. You want to become more patient, more understanding and more tolerant of your brothers. These are good things that the Holy Spirit can bring about in you, while learning to live with and deal with a difficult person.

Accept others and grow in the experience. God allows the pain of difficult relationships to exist within His Church. Confrontations and conflicts do not have to be viewed as destructive or causing divisiveness among believers.

Never doubt that God can and will influence our interpersonal relationships and situations. He may not be pulling strings like a master puppeteer, since we are free to make our own decisions and choices, but in that freedom, He is working out His plan in the midst of our frustration with others. The very fact that we can acknowledge that such conflicts can have a beneficial outcome, is proof that God is in control.

Finally, we have to let Him work through us to allow change not only in us but in others as well. Learning to love one another... bear with one another is all part of our transformation process. God will use the most difficult of relationships and difficult people to shape us. (Ephesians 2:14-18)