Don’t wait for People to Change... take the Lead

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Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since most of us can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent worrying about difficult people and negativity is energy that could be better spent on our personal spiritual growth. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying... we should not ignore our responsibility to develop relationships with people we find it hard to get along with. God expects us to be “our brothers keeper”.

God expects us to develop deep and abiding relationships not only with Him but also with one another, no matter how difficult a person may be. There is a great deal of instruction in the New Testament on those things to avoid and those things to cultivate in our interpersonal relationships. The secret to successful relationships with one another is in following the advice of our Lord. We can’t allow ourselves to be trapped in conflict with our difficult brothers. If we do, we will lose site of the Kingdom and mission Christ has given us... to seek and save the lost and to nurture and disciple one another. We have to continue growing. We need to find ways to pull the difficult people in our midst along with us until they figure out what God can do in their lives.

We have tremendous responsibility for one another as these passages of Scripture say.... 'Men, you are brethren, why do you injure (hurt, wrong, act unjustly toward) one another?'" (Acts 7:26). "For we also once were foolish ourselves .... spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another" (Titus 3:3). "If you go on biting and tearing one another to pieces, take care! You will end up in mutual destruction!" (Galatians 5:15 NAB).

It’s Not About You, It’s About Them––I’ve learned the hard way that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. Understand, it’s probably not personal, so why take it personally? Easier said than done, right?

Our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often bored and unhappy with their service and commitment as Christians. They’re unhappy, even though they can’t articulate their reasons, with their church. So we seem to find a perverse pleasure in conflict, even though it causes stress for all involved. Negative difficult people need our help and our prayer. Don’t isolate them, draw them in to a circle filled with things of Christ–– the power of the cross; redemption; reconciliation; forgiveness; unconditional love and all the promises of a life that can be transformed by the Holy Spirit... if they will yield to Him. If you feel the need to threaten a difficult person, threaten them with your steadfast brotherly love. These things go along way to curing the ailings of a negative life.

Negativity Spreads–– I’ve learned the hard way that once I allow negativity to get a foothold in one area of my life, it starts spreading like a bad rash into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state of mind or holding a grudge against someone, even if that person is a difficult fellow, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily. God is not negative. He is positive energy. His Word is positive fuel for the mind, for the heart, for total body and soul. Feed on Him and His Word when negative things and negative people seem to close in around you.

Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity. Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state of mind. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral you can’t easily control or win. We can bring ruin to a congregation by allowing such negativity, difficult people and anger to infiltrate and influence how we respond to the Spirit’s leading.

We can choose peace or we can choose conflict. Pray for negative people. Love that difficult person even when they are unlovable, or when they do unlovable things. (I Corinthians 13). USE God’s Word to help the person see how much their negative behavior is damaging their Kingdom potential.

Set reachable goals for them to learn to work better with others and monitor their behavior until it improves. This will take time. Frequently remind them of how dangerous such behavior is for the entire body, the church, and how this attitude can infiltrate the church in a negative ways.

Difficult People can Overcome Negativity. Maybe you are a difficult person working in the church. So far you’ve been reading this material wondering when I might say something positive about you. Here it is.

Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms begin to rise. Realize that you are probably not really the person being attacked, it’s your autocratic style. Jesus tells us that the world hates the light (John 3:18-20). Even in God’s Church, there will be those who are slow to accept their potential of being transformed by Christ. Admit to yourself that you just might be one of those persons.

When you catch yourself feeling defensive, take a deep breath, and don’t react so quickly. Follow the old adage... listening requires two ears, talking only one mouth. Or, just walk away from potential conflicts.

Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion. Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you think you heard. Remove the pressure of thinking you need to have all the answers... being on the spot... by simply saying “I need more time to think about all of your suggestions”.

Consider the possibility that other people have really good ideas that are just as valid as yours. Consider the possibility that someone on the committee you’re chairing has 10 times the experience and background on a particular project being discussed. Someone always has more knowledge and experience than you do. Always.

Take courses or workshops in listening skills and team-building. Find someone who can help you work on the negative aspect in yourself — a good friend, a coworker, teacher or counselor. Why not consider one of the elders in your church or the preaching minister? I can almost guarantee, you’ll be amazed at how much they can help you grow through the “difficult person” syndrome that plagues you.

Here’s one that has helped me. If you interact with someone regularly and you feel comfortable with that person, ask them to let you know when you are acting like a jerk!

This person will gladly be your accountability partner and call your attention to what you’re doing. That will help you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurities that rain havoc on your interpersonal relationships. After awhile, you’ll be so tired of having your friend point out the times you are a jerk... that you’ll work very hard to change.

Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness often take years of work to undo. Don't give up on yourself. Above all else, DON’T QUIT THE KINGDOM of GOD! Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses. GOD MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE!

The efforts made to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded.

Don’t give up on what God is Transforming!