By Steven K. Haught, Th.D.
I have a friend, know him very well. His childhood was stained by yelling, screaming, and abusive discipline with many hands and fists raised and delivered in the name of whatever it was called by someone bigger than he was. That friend is me.
I quickly learned to hate. I did not learn to forgive. I held grudges and swore to myself that some day I would settle the score. I was never quite sure what I was going to do, but forgiveness was the furthest thing from my mind and heart.
Even as an adult, I would dwell on an offense for days, losing sleep. Yes, a life filled with anger and resentment is neither a happy one nor a healthy one. If you’ve been in the grip of bitterness over injustices done to you as a child or adult, you know exactly what I am talking about. The memories never seem to fade do they?
Indeed, studies show that unforgiving people may . . .
- Let anger or bitterness sour relationships, leading to isolation and loneliness
- Become easily offended, anxious, or even severely depressed
- Become so focused on a wrong that they cannot enjoy life
- Feel that they are at odds with their spiritual values
- Experience increased stress and a higher risk of ill health, including high blood pressure, heart disease, and pain disorders, such as arthritis and headaches
WHAT IS FORGIVENESS? Forgiveness means pardoning an offender and letting go of anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge. It does not mean condoning a wrong, minimizing it, or pretending that it did not happen.
Rather, forgiveness is a well-thought-out personal choice that reflects a loving commitment to peace and to building or maintaining a good relationship with the other person.
Forgiveness also reflects understanding. A forgiving person understands that we all err, or sin, in word and deed. (Romans 3:23) Reflecting such insight, the Bible says: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely even if anyone has a cause for complaint against another.” —Colossians 3:13.
It stands to reason, then, that forgiveness is an important facet of love, which is “a perfect bond of union.” (Colossians 3:14) Indeed, according to the Mayo Clinic website, forgiveness leads to healthier relationships, including feelings of empathy, understanding, and compassion for the offender.
I’m sure someone has said to you… “ relax, don’t loss any sleep over the situation.” Sleep is one way the human body renews itself, physically and mentally. That would be good restful sleep indeed.
Good sleep promotes full-body vitality, feeling good when your mind is at ease. Letting go of anger and bitterness is a great way to experience good sleep, thereby naturally improving mental and spiritual well-being. You will enjoy less anxiety, less stress, and feelings of hostility. You will even have fewer symptoms of depression.
Start by forgiving yourself. Self-forgiveness can be “the most difficult to achieve,” yet “the most important to health” —mental and physical— according to the journal Disability & Rehabilitation. What can help you to forgive yourself?
- Do not expect perfection from yourself, but realistically accept that you —like all of us— will make mistakes. —Ecclesiastes 7:20
- Learn from your errors so that you will be less likely to repeat them
- Be patient with yourself; some personality flaws and bad habits may not go away overnight. —Ephesians 4:23, 24
- Associate with friends who are encouraging, positive, and kind but who will also be honest with you. —Proverbs 13:20
- If you hurt someone, take responsibility for it and be quick to apologize. When you make peace, you will gain inner peace. —Matthew 5:23, 24
The advice and counsel for healthy living found in the Bible will do wonders for your outlook on those who have wronged you. It worked for me and it will for you too.
Prayer, and sharing my burdens with those I trust has liberated me from the anger that poisoned much of my young adult life. It was important to learn how to not let the conflicts of life make me suffer, and I don’t make others suffer for what they intentionally or unintentionally did to me.. Bible principles confirm that God loves us and wants the best for us.”
The pain we experience in human relationships is maybe the worst we will ever endure. Remember, we cannot control the thoughts and actions of others. But we can control our own.
If you want peace and freedom from anger, resentment and bitterness, you must take the first step. Trust me... it works!
