Forgiveness is a radical and countercultural perspective on life. If you believe in forgiveness... that God forgives even though He is not obligated to and that we'll have the best kind of life if we hold other people in our lives with a loose grip, then you will see people for what they can be and what they were intended to be, rather than as they are.
Forgiveness means looking at people who have wronged you and deciding you'd like to set things right—but ultimately, you're not going to play God. Forgiveness means you view the deranged people who shoot up schoolrooms and then turn the gun on themselves as people who are going to be standing before the judgment seat of God. They will answer to God for their actions. What they did or do, is not your problem.
Forgiveness Is a Decision and a Process
You can release someone from obligation to you personally, although the smoldering fires of resentment may keep burning in you for some time to come.
We would be terribly mistaken if we thought forgiveness was a kind of soft feeling, that soft-hearted people are capable of experiencing. The boldest act of forgiveness the world has ever seen was in the bloodied, beaten and torn body of Jesus Christ. To forgive is the toughest thing you will ever do in life. Forgiveness is not for the fainthearted. Forgiveness is the mark of the true man and the true woman of God.
The Responsibility of the Person Seeking Forgiveness (Ps. 32:1-5)
Psalm 32 is a landmark passage about the way forgiveness works:
"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'—and You forgave the guilt of my sin."
First, to be forgiven is to be blessed beyond your wildest dreams, knowing that God the Creator, is willing to forgive your mistakes and offenses. God is willing not to hold our sins against us. One's life–record is wiped clean, no debt owed, the account settled.
Notice the progression of the person's heart in this passage: "my bones wasted away... my strength was sapped." This is a person being "eaten up on the inside" as we sometimes say. Guilt will do that and though it is hard to believe, the tortured conscience is a gift, a reminder to get rid of the unforgiveness that plagues you.
What's the responsibility of the person seeking forgiveness? "Then I acknowledged my sin to You and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD'—and You forgave the guilt of my sin" (v. 5).
We are supposed to confess our wrongdoings, but to whom? The simple answer is: to the person or persons we've wronged. In every instance, its not just your words spoken to the person... you are also making a declaration to God. In Psalm 51, David's heart-rending confession of his adultery with Bathsheba and his arrangement for the death of her husband, David says: "Against You, You only, have I sinned." Of course, he had sinned against people, but the epicenter of the earthquake of our sins is always our detachment [separation] from God Himself. So we confess to God, when we confess to the immediate person who has wronged us.
We're also supposed to confess our wrongdoings to the people we've wronged in many, but not all, circumstances. One has to judge the outcome. To say to your sister-in-law: "You know, I used to resent you all the time because I thought you were arrogant, but I've really learned how to tolerate you and to forgive your many shortcomings" may not be the most constructive thing to do or say. To confess to someone in your office that you've been attracted to him or her even though he or she is married is confession best made privately between you and God.
Still, there are many times when a heartfelt apology is the right thing to do and if you know it's right, don't hold back.
The Responsibility of the Forgiver
Now, let's turn the tables. What about when you are the forgiver? Analyze the problem: when to forbear and when to forgive (Colossians 3:133)
The first thing to do when you think you should forgive someone who has wronged you is to make sure it really rises to the level of forgiveness. Colossians 3:13 says: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
There is forgiveness, and there is forbearance. You can think of forbearance as a kind of low-level forgiveness or more simply as exercising patience and tolerance in the face of the idiosyncrasies of the people in your life. You know... we all irritate one another from time to time.
For example, if your spouse is chronically late in getting ready to leave the house for an engagement, that doesn't really rise to the level of serious sin. It may be irritating, but it just doesn't say in the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt not wait until the last minute to put thy makeup on." It doesn't say in the Ten Commandments that table manners are a matter of spiritual life and death.
You may have to forbear someone who talks too much, someone who wears really pungent perfume, someone in your house who chews with his or her mouth open or who leaves towels on the floor, someone who seems incapable of replacing the toilet paper roll. You may need to smile and tolerate some of the weird opinions of others, or if they have no opinions or are opinionated about everything... these things and many more like them are more about forbearance than forgiveness.
So here’s our marching orders: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
How do you do that? We’ll examine the “doing it” in next weeks installment.
