Have you ever been on the receiving end of a tongue lashing by someone you thought was a colleague, a friend or maybe even a fellow Christian? Maybe you did something, well meaning, and your friend decided to critique everything you did, or maybe it was more of a bashing that left you feeling humiliated and afraid to ever do anything like what you did for fear it the critic would return with more for the same.
Criticism in personal relationships starts out low-key but almost always escalates over time. It happens once, then twice and since your reaction is probably defensive and maybe even cowering, the experience is negative and begins building a downward spiral of resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which satisfies the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense of being controlled, and so on.
At no time in this downward spiral does an obvious fact occur to the critical person… Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any short-term gain you might get from it builds resentment down the line. It has a chilling affect on friendships and trust.
Criticism fails because it embodies two of the things that human beings don’t appreciate: 1. It calls for submission, and we don’t like to submit. 2. ]It devalues, and we don’t like to feel devalued.
While people don’t like to submit, we actually do want to cooperate, even with a person delivering unfair criticism. Critical people seem oblivious to this key point about human nature. The valued self cooperates; the devalued self resists. If you want behavior change from a partner, a child, relative, or friend, first show value for the person. Build the person up with legitimate compliments. If you want resistance, criticize, tear them down, make them beef worthless and inadequate.
Critical people are certainly smart enough to figure out that criticism doesn’t work. So why do they keep doing it, even in the face of mounting frustration from the person they are critiquing? It's because criticism is an easy form of ego gratification. We don’t criticize because we so much disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude of the person we decide needs to be criticized. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego gratification, which is essentially a way to preemptively defend themselves. In-other-words, beat the other person senseless with your criticism and you walk away feeling terrific.
Criticism is defined as “the act of criticizing usually unfavorably.” (merriam-webster.com) I think this definition is one of the better ones. Most of the time criticism is a negative thing but constructive criticism can be a positive outlet to build someone up while still helping them through some flaws, mistakes or weaknesses they may have.
Whether you criticize in a negative or positive way, the main thing to remember is that YOU have the choice to decide how you will criticize. What does the Bible say about criticism? Maybe Christians would do well to consider the Bible’s wisdom and just maybe interpersonal relationships in the Church would dramatically improve.
Any kind of negative criticism is unnecessary and foolish. Consider these words…“Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in Heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. For a dream comes with much business, and a fool’s voice with many words.” (Ecclesiastes 5:2-3)
As the scripture says, a fool has many things to say, clearly most of it unnecessary. People who are negative have an issue with personal pride. They think they are better and smarter than you and by how they talk down at you makes them feel good and it puffs up their oversized ego. Their comments aren’t there to help you; they are there to make you feel inadequate and inferior. When they make you feel that way, they feel superior and that is where all of their critical negativity festers from. They have a drive to overpower you. God is always with the humble and anyone who continues in this negative lifestyle is in trouble… “The fear of the Lord is the hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate!” (Proverbs 8:13)
Constructive criticism will only work on someone who wants to become wise and learn. “Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you.” (Proverbs 9:8) To the fool this will only make him lash out more, mostly because of his own insecurity that you are right about something he actually feels very insecure about.
Fools love to make you feel inferior and inadequate. They hate it when others make them feel the same way they are trying to make the person they criticize feel. This is the key. A fool thinks you make them look dumb when you correct them. A wise person thinks that you are right and therefore will increase in learning and become a little bit wiser because of it. A fool will not care what you have to say in defense or rebuttal of an unfair criticism. In Christian community, we still love them and be kind to them, but don’t spend much time trying to persuade change. Any change can only come from a transformed attitude and heart.
Humans are really not very well equipped to criticize their fellow man. The tendency to justify our attitudes and actions make us vulnerable to the sin of pride. So we might ask the question… How Does God Criticize?
God is very critical of us because we have an issue called sin, which His own Son, Jesus, died for. Sin is no joke to God and He will be critical of us when such sins as pride interfere with our loving relationships with one another.
In the book of Job you will see a conversation take place between Job and three of his so-called “friends”. The whole dialogue in a general sense consists of the friends berating Job and Job defending himself while complaining and wishing he was dead. Near the end God steps in with a lengthy discourse on how unworthy and unwise they all are. He starts it off by saying, “Who is this that darkens My counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to Me.” (Job 38:2-3)
God’s entire discourse criticizes the men’s own intellect and power which is pitifully insignificant in the presence of God. God is a God of love, but also exacting justice, fairness and even wrath. He is a jealous God and He will criticize every single sin you’ve made if you die without Jesus as your savior.
However, God will gladly give us wisdom and critique us in a positive way if we will only listen to His Words. God’s reproof leads to life, but only the wise man will hear it and obey. “The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.” (Proverbs 15:31) And the wisest decision you will ever make while you are alive is choosing to obey God and accept Jesus as your Savior for the remission of your sins.
Criticism is to your relationships what smoking is to your health. If you’re a critical person, you must absolutely get a handle on your impulse to criticize others, before it ruins your relationships. Smoking can kill the body… criticism is the root of all sorts of sin that can destroy the soul.
Criticism is all about attitude… yours. You can criticize others to make yourself feel good and diminish the other person. Or, you can constructively suggest things and ways that can help them become better people and maybe more skilled at the task you are bent to criticize. You have to want to help others, you have to care about their feelings, if you are going to critique them in a positive way.
So, make the choice today! Be positive! And if you are still wandering through life without a Savior, please consider seeking Jesus today! May God bless you as you continue to live a life worthy of the calling!
