Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. 2 Timothy 2:23
What do you do when you find yourself sitting across the table from someone who makes a comment that strikes at the core of everything you believe in? I’m not talking here about intervening in cases of clear wrongdoing, violence or aggression. I’m talking about the kind of disagreements or confrontations that cause people to feel terrible for the rest of the day, or worse, to start resenting the person with whom they are better off remaining peaceful.
Your reaction depends on what you hope to accomplish.
So before you get baited by someone else’s view, ask yourself the following questions.
Is there anything to be gained by engaging in conflict with this person?
...they are conceited and understand nothing. They have an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions... 1 Timothy 6:4
I was taught that if you have something on your mind, you say it. But this isn’t a very strategic (or profitable) way to approach relationships. When you say what’s on your mind without thinking first about potential ramifications of your words, you can end up wasting a lot of time — your own and the other person’s in back-tracking and relationship repairs.
Stating your views doesn’t mean you’re contributing anything toward creating the kind of environment in which those views can take hold. We all love living in a free country, and we no doubt wish everyone could. But wasting time isn’t freedom, and free speech is better practiced responsibly. After the shooting in Newtown MA, for example, many gun supporters took the time on social media to remind people why they think it’s important for Americans to maintain the right to bear arms. This created the impression that some people don’t mind when children are senselessly killed, as long as guns remain in circulation.
These people would have been better served quietly focusing on ways to make sure gun safety and responsible ownership are honestly and fairly woven into America’s social-cultural fabric. Even when two sides disagree on specifics but agree on the bigger picture, arguments tend to cause both sides to dig in, and ultimately, to take less meaningful action because in arguing, they feel that they’ve already done something. Obviously talk and action are not mutually exclusive, but you might ask yourself if talk has become a substitute for results-based action.
Do I really understand why this person is reacting this way?
We must keep reminding God's people of these things. We must warn them with God’s word as our guide, against quarreling about words and opinions; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen. 2 Timothy 2:14
Opposing views cause dissension and strife. Both sides of an issue become upset. Sometimes, opposites in a war of words are coming at the same problem from two different angles, even though on the surface their views and opinions seem to contradict each other — which brings us to the next question.
Are you listening to the other sides view?
But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments and quarrels about the law, because these are unprofitable and useless. Titus 3:9
It’s very easy, once our buttons have been pushed, to close off to the view of the other person, get defensive, or hear what we want to hear. History is filled with bloodbaths that started off with simple disagreements and escalated into epic battles.
Listening to a dissenting view, no matter how much it flies in the face of your beliefs, is actually quite educational. You can learn how to better respond “next time” or maintain relationships beyond the institutionalized battleground. However, “listening” does not mean finding ground for agreement and compromise if God’s view is different. True and committed Christians cannot cross any line in violation of God’s commandments for holy living to simply keep status-quo and peace among rivaling perspectives on a volatile issue. If God has issued in His Word a ruling on a particular conduct, attitude, desire or belief system, then you have no alternative but to align with God’s view. Period.
Am I just repeating a pattern?
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? James 4:1
Here’s a short of list of words that describe people who like to argue for the sake of arguing. Do they sometimes describe you... argumentative, contrary, combative, confrontational, quarrelsome, cantankerous, contentious, volatile, truculent, pugnacious?
Sometimes we repeat or languish in the old habits of mind without stopping to wonder whether they still serve us. Sort of a “shoot first ask questions later” mentality. We are creatures of habit, and we tend to reject new ideas without thinking them through. Often times, we reject an idea, a change, a new viewpoint, before we even hear the entire story. Maybe its time to consider reframing our interpretations of reality, so you change the outcome of interpersonal confrontations, especially when they emanate from ideologies you can’t influence, let alone control.
Doing and reacting defensively and aggressively in personal communications will always produce the same negative results... unwholesome and unproductive arguments. People will do anything to avoid you henceforth. Don’t be afraid of being wrong, it won’t kill ya. Although, it might humble you and maybe that’s a good thing from time to time. Certainly we know God think humility is good for what ails us. (Proverbs 16:18-19; 1 Peter 5: 5-6; Luke 14:11)
If we practice detachment from our inflammatory thoughts, we learn to observe them as though we are taking a bird’s eye view of our own thinking. Write your edgy thoughts [words] down in a diary and read them over from a detached position. Do you still want to speak them to others? That exercise will help you determine how people might react to your words. This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone. Titus 3:8
