Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The TWELVE COMMANDMENTS of a Worthless, Good for Nothing Christian!


Why do so many Christians have so much trouble keeping on track with what God has commanded them to do? From my perspective, I can’t see where anything God has asked of us is all that complicated, confusing or hidden in parable like minutia. Living a life “in harmony with Christ” may not be easy, but we’re not alone in "our walk" either. God is with us, as He promised... living within us as the Holy Spirit. His power is available to help us make every step of our life journey faithful and obedient.

So it seems like we should be able to embrace His commands and walk with Him courageously, knowing He’ll be right there to help us face life’s challenges and endure faithfully. But that knowledge doesn’t seem to make much difference with the majority of people who call themselves Christians.

Many people who seek God, are looking for the wrong things and have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship with God is going to be like. Mostly, they don’t understand how God works, because they’ve never moved beyond their self-centered views of what they want from the relationship. God is not a genie in a bottle, who can be manipulated to meet your every whim and desire. He is to be awed and held high in reverence as the one and only Holy God, always first and foremost in your mind and heart. If you get that right [your attitude]... the rest will come to you with the help of the Holy Spirit.

But if a “right relationship” with God is just too hard for you, requires too much sacrifice and cramps your style... then here’s a list of 12 Commandments that will help define your delusional journey in the quest to make the Holy God fit your lifestyle...

1. Thou shall not permit your commitment to God to get in the way of your friends, hobbies, favorite sports team, or TV shows. Remember, only cults, zealots and fanatics allow Christianity to take control of their lives.

2. Thou shall remember the Sabbath day and keep it full of activities with family and friends, golf, boating, tennis, brunch, seashore, and so on... for the preacher and elders will surely understand if you can't make it to church because you’re so busy with important things.

3. Thou shall not proclaim the gospel of Christ to the lost for you wouldn't want to upset an unbeliever who must confront their sins... pleasant and enjoyable as they are.

4. Thou shall not read and study your Bible, but instead expect the preacher to spoon feed you. In addition, thou shall complain at every feeding, insisting that the preacher doesn't know how to preach, and isn't meeting your needs, your children's needs, or for that matter, anyone's needs.

5. Thou shall not give the offering, let alone the tithe, but only a pittance, for God understands that you are over committed, and can't do any more.

6. Thou shall not spend much time in prayer, for if you do, you might wear holes in the knees of your pants.

7. Thou shall not help in any capacity in the church, for everyone knows that the preacher is supposed to do everything. If thou were to help, it would prevent the preacher and elders from feeling needed, since they don't have anything to do anyway.

8. Thou shall not reach out thy hand to the poor, the needy, the widow, or the orphan, for that is the work of tax supported welfare programs.

9. Thou shall not permit any gossip to pass you bye, but capture each and every morsel so that you may share it with others.

10. Thou shall not worry about the unbeliever, the drug addict, the alcoholic, or any sinner of any stripe, for everyone knows that to touch them is worse than touching a person with leprosy. Thou shall also ignore the needs of those on the mission fields, for thanks be to God... you aren't called to do anything for them.

11. Thou shall expect recognition at every opportunity, whether it be from the pulpit, in the bulletin, or in personal conversation. This should include a reserved parking space and a special title. If thou does not receive this recognition, thou shall throw a temper tantrum before the preacher and elders and threaten to stop giving your pittance to the church, or even leave the fellowship altogether.

12. Thou shall blame the devil for everything you do wrong, and everything that goes wrong in your life, for you know that it can't possibly be your fault.

If thou shall seek to fulfill all these commandments faithfully and do all that is contained within them, then you shall be blessed with self-righteousness, pride, idolatry, jealousies, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, rivalries, envy, ignorance and all manner of foolishness. (Galatians 5:19-21)

There shall NOT be laid up for you a crown in heaven... but you will most assuredly receive a first-class ticket, because you like being treated “first”... to the gate that leads to the everlasting flames of hell.

Don’t worry... you’ll have lots and lots of company!

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