Reasonable Expectations can ease tensions

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Expectations are an important part of life aren’t they? I’m not sure we could function without expectations... as they’re a way of expressing our hopes and dreams for something better in the future. We hear a lot about expectations today. All of us expect the economy to stabilize and improve, it’s just a matter of when. Some of us expect our favorite sports team to go the distance this year and win the championship. I’ve been expecting the Eagles to win the Super Bowl for a along time.... I’m still hoping they will someday. See, there’s that quality of hope connected to expectations. Expectations are woven into our thinking about every aspect of life... business... family... relationships... and even our Churches.

Expectations come in several forms: High Expectations.... Unrealistic Expectations... Failed Expectations to name a few. These forms have less to do with the enduring quality of “hope”, and more to do with unsavory characteristics such as arrogance, self-sufficiency, superiority, independence, conceit and a sense of entitlement. Expectations are a manifestation of pride.

We know that Pride, is cunning, baffling, and powerful. So “expectations” that emanate from “pride” can be more harmful than good.

Let me briefly illustrate how “expectations” can have an adverse affect on relationships. Troubled marriages are often plagued by the perception of “failed expectations”. “You’re not what I expected in a wife. You don’t clean the house like Mom used to... you’re not a good cook”.... It goes both ways... “You’re not what I expected in a husband.... you care more about your buddies than you do me and the kids”. The perception of “expectations” not met, spills over to the kids who feel a sense of failure right along with their parents who feel they are failing in their relationship.

Sadly, one of the greatest sources of pain in our families and in our congregations come from unrealistic, high-unattainable and frustrated expectations. Expectations not properly grounded, are a recipe for failure in family relationships, in fellowship with christian brothers and sisters and they represent a serious impediment to our spiritual growth.

Now I know what you're thinking. Shouldn't we expect the best out of one another? From our marriage mates... our children... even from associates in the workplace? Shouldn't we encourage each other to strive for excellence and never settle for anything less? Absolutely. But... we must use the power of expectations properly. Christ taught us how to use expectations. Somewhere along the line... we seem to have forgotten that lesson. We need to relearn it.

Okay, let’s review our Lord’s expectations. Does He demand a lot? You bet he does. Does He expect much from us? Only our best. Does He have expectations? Oh yes...just that we leave everything, deny all, and follow Him. WOW.... high expectations to say the least, right? So what’s the difference with His “expectations” and ours? Jesus' expectations were accompanied by forgiveness and acceptance. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”.... Romans 5:8

Jesus went to the cross with no expectations that anyone would even care what his sacrifice would mean to the human family. Of course we know that he was confident that humanity would indeed recognize why he gave his life for us. But he made no bargain in advance of the cross with humanity. You see, expectations create conditional love. "I love you, but I'll love you more if........." The love of God is unconditional... totally and completely without expectations. His sacrifice, was not conditional or dependent on our performance by any measure.

When we love with expectations, we say, "I love you.... but I'll love you even more if......?" Christ's love is not like this. No strings, no expectations, no hidden agendas, no secrets. His love for us was, and is, up front and clear. "I love you," He says, "even if you let Me down. I love you in spite of your failures." “I love you the way you are”.

The expectations of Christ also deliver something totally unique.... His forgiveness and tenderness. Fail, sin, stumble, ignore Him.... feel terrible about it and you land safely in His arms of tolerance by grace.

Alone, human evolved expectations can be bullets that kill relationships, ignite strife and bickering in a congregation... but when buffered by acceptance and forgiveness, they can bring out the best in us and everyone around us.

Expectations are unconsciously premeditated resentment... waiting to pounce on someone who has no clue they’re about to be measured and evaluated by unrealistic expectations.

Do we set ourselves up to resent others when they don't live up to what we expect?  Who owns the expectation?  And then who owns the resentment?  It is amazing how often we ourselves get in the way of our own best intentions.  If you want to see the harmful effects of expectations in full bloom... look around your congregation... they’re working overtime and causing untold harm.

Often people in a congregation expect pastors and their wives to be people who can walk on water. Always saying the right the thing, with the right look on their faces, working around the clock for the congregation... perfect in every way. They’re not and never will be. They are people just like the sheep they minister to. You need only reflect on the criteria established for the hiring of your last preaching minister to understand how “expectations” can set up both the man hired and the congregants for future misunderstandings and unrealized expectations. I have seen congregations set expectations for a minister so high and unrealistic that only Christ himself could meet the standards of those expectations.

Many in a congregation expect the preacher to feed sheep the same way he feeds lambs, babes in Christ, and that's the worst expectation you could have for a minister. Grown sheep need to be shown the pasture for themselves.

Failed, unrealistic, unattainable expectations have broken the spirit of more preachers and their families than one can probably count. I shudder to think of the emotional wasteland our “expectations” have created for these men who seek to follow the calling of God and use their talents to minister... only to find themselves cast into a lion’s den and fed upon by a ravenous congregation with expectations gone array.

Ask yourself, do your expectations crush people? Or do they challenge and encourage? Husbands, wives, do unrealistic expectations of each other cause tensions in your relationship? To the members of a congregation, are the expectations for your minister and even the elders, reasonable and realistic? Is it easier for the people who associate with you and live with you to walk with God because of you?

As you ponder those questions... I also want you to think about the often used expression... Pride goes before a fall. The verse is from Proverbs 16:18 and it actually reads this way.... “Pride goeth before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 11:12 and 18:12 express similar sentiments.

What goes before, or “leads to” a fall?   The Bible says it’s ‘Pride’.  What is pride?  The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines pride as ‘overarching opinion of one’s own qualities and merits, proud, haughty, arrogant. 

With “pride” at the root...all forms of “expectations” are conditional. They are imposed on others to govern, control and manipulate and they are in fact an unsavory manifestation of pride and arrogance. Pride separates us from others, by seducing us into thinking that we are better than others.  Pride is the root cause of every caste system, every class system, and every system of racial hatred that man has even known. Expectations are the chief means to manage these ungodly systems.

Pride is basically nonproductive and unteachable: “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice”. (Proverbs 13:10)  Pride is self-destructive: “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” (Proverbs 11:10)  Pride is the spirit of the mocker: “The proud and arrogant man-"Mocker" is his name; he behaves with overweening pride.” (Proverbs 21:24).

The Bible admonishes us: “Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.” (Romans 12:16)  Pride goes before a fall.... walking hand-in-hand with close ally... unrealistic expectations. God has made a solemn promise to the prideful.... you will fall... HE will bring you down.

What expectations are reasonable among Christians? Rather simple if you see and hear what the Scripture teaches us.

If you say you love the Lord, then demonstrate your love unconditionally... in devotion, faithful service, obedience, care and acceptance for all who profess the same love for the Lord.

That’s what Jesus expects... and he declared his “expectations” in John 13:34-35.... "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Somehow, Christians have lost their understanding of this powerful command from our Lord.

Do you use expectation like God does... to challenge, encourage, and nurture? Or do you use expectation like Satan does... to discourage and crush? God's expectations nurture people by building relationships that can endure for an eternity.