A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.--Oscar Wilde
The most painful and hurtful thing you can do to someone doesn't necessarily involve deception; it usually involves telling the truth. Hearing the truth can hurt. We admit it jestingly, but the old axiom has more meaning than most people want to acknowledge. When the truth hurts, one must choose either to endure pain or avoid truth... a distressing choice. The result? "The truth is heavy, therefore its bearers are few."
We are happier and feel closer to our friends and family when we do not have to acknowledge our persistent failures. Don’t remind me of what I already know, but have chosen to bury deep within my psyche. If it stays buried, I can go on with my life as if the problems never existed. I can create a fantasy world where all is well and nothing troubles me. I use self–deception as a "social lubricant" for it safely separates me from the realities I cannot face. If you irritate my psyche by reminding me of my deeply buried shortcomings... it will cause me to confront painful and hurtful truths.
Few of us want to see ourselves as truth-avoiders, yet quite often people let themselves believe that truth is only relative. People who believe truth is only relative can only be "relatively truthful” with themselves and others. Many would never steal, lie, or cheat, but being truthful is not merely saying or doing truth in a particular circumstance. Being truthful also involves what a person thinks, feels and does in life. Real truth involves choices, decisions, attitudes, consequences and outcomes. If ones choices are not so good, they will string together like an unbearable heavy chain that entangles every aspect of one’s life.
Genuinely truthful people make mistakes all the time. They sin, they get off track spiritually. However, they are deeply rooted in truth, standing on truth, growing in truth and truth is the fruit of their being. They have truth in their "inner parts" (Psalm 51:6). To remain truthful, they must continually measure not only their actions, but their attitudes against that holy standard. Rather than deceiving one’s self, they are constantly looking in the mirror, self-evaluating, self-appraising and measuring against the only meaningful standard for life... The Word of God. In light of His Word such people will readily acknowledge shortcomings and weaknesses and seek His perspective and counsel on how to fix whatever is fixable.
When does truth hurt? Truth confronts us with that which we do not want to know... do not want to acknowledge and do not want to accept. For example: Truth hurts when it requires us to stop doing what we want to do, or requires us to start doing what we don't want to do. It cuts through excuses and requires us either to do what is right…or sacrifice our view of ourselves as someone who is not doing what they know they should. Some avoid that choice by blurring the line between what is true and what isn't. Our world has become so full of blurry lines that many people don't realize that reality is not actually ambiguous by nature.
Truth is painful when it focuses on our own responsibilities and shortcomings instead of allowing us to focus on everyone else's. It emphasizes our own need to change and grow. In the midst of conflict, we like to believe that we are right, that we are innocent and that our suffering is the result of someone else's insensitivity. But truth causes us to see ourselves as helpless as we truly are. All of us are sometimes wrong, sometimes guilty and sometimes we use our emotions, words, and even our actions to manipulate or hurt others. It is painful to see ourselves as we are—so much so that some people try very hard to avoid it.
Yet when truth is painful, or requires something a person does not want to accept, they often act as though it is somehow negotiable, or worse, non-existent. We are daily bombarded with media and much of what we see and hear does not encourage the need to make sacrifices for the sake of truth. Our consumer society preaches a loud, much more agreeable message: "Enjoy as much pleasure and avoid as much pain as possible." Whereas few would admit to embracing such standards, many make choices as though they do, especially as regards the pain aspect. But unfortunately, in order to block, dull or control pain caused by wrong choices and behavior, people must inhibit their ability to perceive truth.
While most people will avoid truth at times, few see avoidance of truth as lying to themselves. We learn to tame our lies so we can live with them. To tame a lie requires that deep down, we must recognize that we have "winked" at the truth. Yet we do choose to perceive things in a certain way that may seem necessary for the happiness of all concerned. Some people try to tame lies by diluting the truth. But as the old saying goes... "Half the truth is still a whole lie."
Most people value honesty. No one wants to be lied to. Everyone appreciates kindness. Sometimes, though, honesty and kindness collide. That happens when telling the truth would be hurtful... dredging up someone’s shortcomings buried deep in their psyche. Now the conundrum... being “kind” usually involves telling a lie. How do we negotiate this clash of noble intentions?
God is truth. He is honesty. When we tell the truth, we conduct our words as God wants us to communicate. When we don't tell the truth by lying, [withholding bits of critical information], we go against what God expects of us. Often people lie, or water–down reality because they are concerned about getting in trouble or hurting someone’s feelings. We must also understand the potential dilemma and the risk... we can blow our integrity with God, and that can be just as damaging to us as our words might be to someone desperately needing to hear truth. Perhaps for a Christian, a Biblical definition of lying could be summed up in this statement... Any time our word does not agree with God’s Word.
We lose our integrity when we lie, both in the eyes of God and in the eyes of those around us. Lying diminishes our relationship with God, as it decreases trust. When it becomes easy to lie, often times in pursuit of peace, we are heading down a path of self–deception, which can be just as dangerous as withholding truth from others. When we start trusting this flawed view often as a strategy to not hurt someone, we start justifying the sinful and harmful actions of others. Lying is a pathway to a long, slow walk away from God... for you and the person who needs your help.
Think about how the world would be different if no one lied…ever. At first it's a scary thought. After all, if we didn't lie people would get hurt, right? After all, you might hurt your relationship with your best friend by telling him or her they’ve missed the mark. Not being able to lie teaches us the importance of tact in our relationships and reminds us the importance of being prepared to “bear with one another” through difficulties that may arise when someone is forced to face an uncomfortable truth by our words of counsel. (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:2,32)
Lying to gloss over and ease the pains of someone’s shortcomings is very damaging. Christians feel a need to be perfect and when they’re not, they feel the need to cover up their shortcomings. To hide what they’ve done or hide the fact that they’re still not the person they wanted or hoped to be. Christians feel this pressure because admitting any weakness or shortcoming calls into doubt all one’s good qualities. We create shadow lives that shine on the outside, but are crumbling on the inside.
Our ungodly world conditions us to do whatever is necessary to "save face" or "protect someone's feelings." Yet, as Christians, we have to learn to overcome the temptation to varnish over obvious shortcomings in our fellow Christians. It can be frustrating at times. Fear is often the biggest emotion we must overcome when we face the desire to alter reality to protect someone’s feelings. Yet we must always keep it in our hearts and minds that there is a way to tell the truth that is good. We cannot allow ourselves to give in to our weaknesses and say something that is not truth.
Accept that telling the truth will sometimes hurt. Just because you tell someone the truth doesn't mean it will always be accepted with open arms. Some people may be hurt by what you have to say. It happens.
In the end, though, most people will appreciate the honesty rather than the lies. Anyone who hates you for being truthful probably has issues with what's going on in the first place and doesn't want to be confronted with the truth at the moment. Yet the fear of someone not wanting to hear the truth should never stop us from telling it. Sometimes God uses us to highlight wrongs and shortcomings in other people's lives.
Okay... having said all this, let’s return to Paul’s question to the Galatians in chapter 4 verse 16... the title of today’s message.... “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?”
There are those who will sing the praises of a preacher, a shepherd, a teacher, as he says things with which they agree. Let that same preacher, shepherd or teacher say something that is challenging or even outright contradictory of these individuals’ wants, behavior or lifestyles, and you will most certainly witness a abrupt change in their attitudes.
The preacher, shepherd or teacher is now a meddling–insensitive–uncaring–unkind jerk! He is no longer delivering God’s truth but instead is advancing his own opinion. Formerly, heaps of praise were tossed his way, now anger and animosity are hurled at him. The preacher, the shepherd and the teacher have not changed. His mindset toward those he is shepherding and teaching has not changed. The difference in this scenario... now people are hearing something that offends their reality and urges them to change, and change, even that which is clearly demanded by God, is most often met with combative resistance.
What changed in the relationship between Paul and the Galatian churches? Did he become mean-spirited and hateful toward them? No, he had the same love for them as he had previously had. What changed then? Was the change not in the hearts of those brethren who did not want to be told what to do? Was it not the case that they didn’t want anyone correcting them? Did they not want to just keep on going the way they wanted to go, doing and living as they wanted, regardless of the eternal direction it was taking them? Questions we should all ponder in our walk with Christ.
It is required of Christians that we speak the truth in love to one another (Ephesians 4:15). Doing so involves reproving and rebuking (2 Timothy 4:2) which by the very nature of the words necessary for rebuke, do not convey the sentiments of love. It’s sad that our doing what God requires, will sometimes turns people against us, but we must not hesitate to tell the truth.
In like manner, we must be sure that we ourselves accept correction when it is evident from the Scriptures that our actions are not pleasing to God. We must turn to God’s Word to determine the validity of the correction and then humbly accept it.
The fool and sinner hate a reprover. The righteous love faithful reproof (Ps 141:5; Pr 9:8).
